


Breaking Free

by Madwordscores



Series: Breaking Free [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Harry Potter - Freeform, James Potter - Freeform, M/M, angsty romance, coming to terms, remus lupin - Freeform, sirius black - Freeform, wolfstar, wolfstar angst, wolfstar fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25151185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madwordscores/pseuds/Madwordscores
Summary: After Sirius runs away from home when he is sixteen, he seeks refuge with the Potters, on James's request, Remus and Peter join them to spend their last week together before school starts, while James and Peter engage in their own antiques, Sirius finds himself undeniably drawn to his best friend that he has come to love.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Breaking Free [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866487
Comments: 16
Kudos: 76





	1. The Night Sirius Ran Away

The moon hung loosely in the sky, like a friend about to bid adieu, Sirius was shaking in front of his mother’s wand, her face contorted with anger, her eyes boring into Sirius’s as he stared back at her, Regulus behind his back, clinging on to his robe, afraid to let go as if he would sink into a violent storm if the meagre robe slipped out of his hand..  
“Sirius Orion Black,” his mother said through gritted teeth “I command you to get away from Regulus,”  
Sirius shook his head, Regulus sniffed from behind him, scared and on the brink of collapsing, this helpless shaking form of his brother filled him with so much rage that Sirius felt as if his heart was going to explode just by the force of it, but despite the anger, his lips failed to form coherent words, as he wondered what in the world was wrong with him.  
“I’ve told you a million times, hurt me all you want to mother, but please, leave regulus be, he doesn’t under-”   
“Crucio” she hissed, her wand pointed as Sirius as he writhed in pain, a deep ache that started in his heart and spread like wildfire in his entire body, but he didn’t let himself fall apart, ‘I have to hold on, I have to hold on, for him’ she moved her wand away from him and smiled down at his form.  
“Well, we can’t let him become a traitor like you, my love, I saw him hanging around a half bloo-”  
“I didn’t-.didn’t know h-he wa-was a ha-half blo-blood, mother,” Regulus said from behind him.  
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Reg, I bet whoever it was, it was better than her” Sirius snarled, all his defences gone, he had worked so hard, so hard to remain unfeeling when around his family, to hide away all his emotions lock them away, so that their reeking hands could not reach him, see him when he was most vulnerable, but anger, Sirius thought to himself was the hardest to fight, to control, it felt like his anger was engulfing him from within, and he could not fight it.  
“Those blood traitor Potters have rotted your brain, you are a disgrace, not worthy of the name Black and the legacy it carries, the legacy you disregard every day of your existence, those Potters will rot in hell for taking my son away from me, I should have killed you the day you were born,” she snarled at him.  
“If there’s anyone who will rot in hell, it is you and your entire fucking family”  
She went on as if he had not spoken, yelling over his voice, as if trying to drown him in her loud shrill screams.  
“Do you realize what shame you have brought on our family, tagging along with blood traitors, you have stained your name, I am ashamed of you, so much I want to snap your neck, A boy that has utter filth where his blood should have been, you leave the grandeur of our legacy for blood traitors and filthy creatures of the nigh-”  
“Shut up, Walburga” Sirius yelled, “The name Black is written in filth, if there is anyone, anyone in this whole wide world who has filth instead of blood and bones, it is you and father and anyone who thinks that they’re better or higher above anyone, I don’t reckon you have a heart, what were you about to do? Put a cruciatus curse on a 13-year-old boy?” Sirius laughed humorlessly, tears stinging the back of his eyes.  
“You speak too much, you disrespectful sullen creature, I am your mother” she yelled and pointed her wand at him once again, hissing the curse, and this time, Sirius was not sure whether she ever intended to let go, he fell to his knees, trying his best not to cry out it pain, he looked at Regulus, his little brother shaking, his face streaked with fresh tears, “Reg, go, go to your room,” he told him, as he allowed the pain to take over him, holding on to the sound of Regulus’s footsteps as he made his way up the stairs, Sirius let his head fall back when he heard the door shut close, he was trying his best not to scream, but it was impossible, the pain- the pain was too much, in the fleeting moments when he felt as if he was going to die, he thought of James and his crazy careless laughter echoing in the Gryffindor common room, he clung helplessly to the memory of Remus, smiling at his antiques from behind his book, Remus watching him play Quidditch, Remus, Remus, Re-

The first thing Sirius saw when he opened his eyes was the dusty lopsided chandelier that hung above him, the house around him was dark and it seemed awfully quiet, Sirius stood up, and his knees immediately gave away from under him, he fell face-first onto the floorboard that creaked under the force, tears welled up in his eyes, there was no pain anymore, but it felt as though his body was no longer responding to his commands, and decided to lay there as the numbness soon transformed into anger, Sirius felt weak and was glad that there was no one around to see him, no one will know that the Cruciatus curse had broken his hard shell, he would fall apart if anyone, anyone from the house saw him like this, not even Reg, who Sirius had to protect with all he could, Sirius wasn’t weak, he had seen things and laughed right in the face of humiliation, there was no way a curse could break the bones that had roughed with time, he let the anger light his way as he stood up to his feet, he felt a little shaky, but his mind had never been clearer, he made his way back to his room, got all the stuff he could in one go, and sealed an old beaten trunk closed.   
He put a locomotion spell on his trunk and made his way slowly to the door of Grimmauld Place, he stopped briefly in front of Regulus’s room, contemplating whether or not he should look at his little brother one last time, finally deciding against it, because leaving him behind was the hardest obstacle that stood in his way, ‘he will be fine without me, he will fit in well with the others’, Sirius lied to himself on the pretext of fake comfort as he walked without looking back into the dark and stormy night.

Fleamont and Euphemia Potter sat in their living room, Euphemia had a book in her hand which she could barely read, her eyes drooping with fatigue, but still, she couldn’t get her mind to fall asleep,she felt as if her mind was wandering somewhere else, someplace known for its stoic uneasiness, it was Fleamont who heard it first, a feeble knock on the door, and both of them stirred wondering who it was, in the dead of the night, when such a violent storm was brewing outside, they made their way slowly to the door, and another feeble knock echoed in the silence of the night.  
“J-James?” a strained voice came from behind the door.  
Euphemia opened the door in one quick motion because she recognised the voice immediately, a dripping wet Sirius stared back at them, his eyes wide, his long lush black hair coloured with droplets of water that shone in the night.  
“Sirius, love, what happened,” she said, taking his hand and pulling him inside, she summoned a towel and wrapped it around him, and dried his clothes in one swift motion of her wand.  
“I-I ran away from home,” he said his voice breaking so violently that it broke Euphemia’s heart “I didn’t know wh-where else to go, I am sorry”  
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, young man,” said Fleamont as Sirius settled on the couch, the boy was the walking picture of pain and defeat, and the lively and relentless Sirius Euphemia had seen was hidden under the dark lids of the Sirius that sat shaking in front of her.  
She had dried his hair, and clothes and there was no sign that he had ever been let out in the storm, but the boy looked weary and weak as if he had seen the dark blue depths of the sea all on his own, there was a heaviness making home in his eyes that she could not remove, she felt helpless against his sorrow.  
“Sirius, love, did they put….?”  
“Uh, yes, she put a curse on me, but don’t worry Mrs Potter, I am fine,” he said, forcing a smile.  
“I am so sorry, Sirius,” she said, settling down beside him.  
He didn’t say anything, just smiled at her, as if nothing had happened, Euphemia knew what he was doing, he was trying to hide away, again, under the covers of his smile, and Euphemia let him, there will be plenty time to talk later she thought to herself and smiled back at him.  
Loud footsteps echoed in the house, there was a thundering sound as if something or someone had fallen down the stairs and not a second after her son stood before them, breathlessly rubbing his bruised forehead.  
“Did I hear Sirius?” he asked and his eyes lit up the moment they landed on Sirius, who returned the gesture and got to his feet, abandoning the towel, and both boys threw their arms around each other.  
“My goodness, Pads, you look horrible”  
“Not as horrible as your hair, jerk face,” Sirius said, and they both fell into a fit of laughter.  
“I missed you so much, Paddy, how come you never wrote back?” James said, “You uncultured swine,” James added dramatically.   
Euphemia and Fleamont smiled at their son (who was supposed to be sleeping) and his best friend as Sirius stood up straighter as if just James’s presence had eased the insurmountable creases that his soul had endured.  
“Off to bed boys,” Fleamont chanted, “James, don’t keep Sirius up too late, he needs to sleep”  
“Well, most certainly, dad,” James said with a smirk that suggested the exact opposite, but Fleamont only smiled at them.

James’s room smelled like burned cigarettes, Sirius couldn’t help but smile as he entered the room and flopped onto his unmade bed. James' room was in one word, messy and unkempt, just like his hair, Sirius thought to himself. There were clothes covering every inch of the floor, his table was splattered with books, and empty cups.  
“Have you heard of it yet?” Sirius asked, his eyes drooping shut.  
“Heard of what?” James asked.  
“Cleaning, it’s therapeutic you know,”   
James threw a pillow towards Sirius, it hit him square in the face, and a bubble of laughter erupted in Sirius’s chest “Oh, how will I survive this deadly attack, the heavily loaded pillow has knocked the breath out of me, Oh, how the betrayal of my brother mocks my life, James, tell your parents I love them,”  
“You git,,” throwing another pillow at him, “scram, it’s my bed too”  
Sirius moved to make space for James, both of them lay in the silence for a moment, the sound of thunder echoing in a distance.

“Pads?” James said, his voice suddenly very solemn.  
“Yeah?”   
“Will you tell me what happened?” he asked, not looking at him.  
“Regulus was hanging around some half-bloods, they were fine, then, mother saw him, she beat the shit out of the kid, it’s the first time she’s ever hit Regulus you know, I always thought that it’d make me happy if for once he was the subject of their cruelty, and not me, but when I saw him, helpless on the floor, Prongs, I- I lost myself, I had never felt so, so utterly powerless, so I stepped in, before she could, you know, seriously hurt him,”  
“You got beat up then,” James prompted, his teeth slightly gritted, Sirius could feel James’s hand moving beside him under the covers, “I’ve never seen you look so worn,”  
“Well that’s because today was the first time she ever put an unforgivable curse on me”  
“She-she..she did what?” James sat up, looking down at him, even in the dimly lit room he could see that James’s face had gone red from anger, “Oh my god, Sirius, that-”  
“It’s alright, Prongs, I am never going back again”  
“It doesn’t matter, Pads, we have to do something, I won’t let her get away with this” and with that James was on his feet, striding towards the door.  
“James wait-”  
“Are you coming or not, we have to tell my parents to do something, I really, really want to kill her right now?” James said, his face taut and his fist balled up so tightly that his knuckles had turned white, Sirius could see the vein in his forehead throbbing endlessly.  
“James, we can’t, she-she-she’d take it out of Regulus, he’s still one of them, and he needs a better childhood than me, if I am out of the picture, she-she won’t torment him,”  
“Pads,” James said, his voice only a whisper but Sirius could see that he had eased “I am so sorry, I really—”  
“Don’t be sorry Prongs, your bed is way more comfortable than mine, so I, as a matter of fact, am very pleased,” He said, and flopped back onto the bed, “Are you going to sleep or not? I swear to god if you snore, I will suffocate you with your own pillow, I am extremely tired”  
“Shut up, you git,” James said, a little chuckle escaping him as he got back to the bed and got under the sheets.  
“Hm” Sirius was way too tired to come up with a witty comeback, so he just nodded and smiled at the ceiling “Goonigh Prongs”  
“Good Night, Sirius”


	2. Morning Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -

Sirius woke up next morning, to find himself entangled with James long legs and hands, both their hands thrown over each other, it took Sirius a minute to realize where he was and the events of the past night came rushing to him, he shuddered with the force the realization of what he had done hit him, there was no going back, no turning away from this, he had become an outcast, he had no family, no place to call home, no place to hide his guilt-ridden self.  
He turned his head to look at James, his mouth was hanging open a little, and he looked so much younger than last night. “E-vans, where you going, the fountain is running out of chocolate, someone call Moony”  
Sirius could not help but laugh, he wondered what on earth James was dreaming about, and pushed him hard “Come on lover boy, time to rise and shine”  
“Who wakes up this early?” James muttered groggily, slapping his hand on Sirius’s forehead “It’s summer break for goodness’s sake”  
“Yeah, but I am here, don’t you want to do something that includes more fun than chasing Evans in your dreams”  
“Listen here you, dog, there is nothing more fun than chasing Evans in my dreams, in my dreams she doesn’t hate me as much”  
“Always the enthusiast” Sirius said jumping over James’s lifeless form and off the bed “I am going to write to Remus,”  
“Do whatever you want, just don’t wake me up this early ever again, I will hex your hair so that they change colour every second”  
“I’d like that very much actually—”  
“Let me sleeeeeeeppppp”  
Sirius laughed and got out of the room.

He walked down the stairs, unlike Grimmauld place, the Potter’s house had countless windows, and sunlight was pouring in from every corner of the house, lighting up the light blue walls of the beautifully decorated mansion.  
“Good Morning, Mr Potter” Sirius said, smiling at Fleamont Potter who sat with his eyes fixed on the Daily Prophet. He kept away the paper and smiled at Sirius, “Good Morning” he replied.  
“It’s actually late in the afternoon, Sirius,” Euphemia said coming into the room.  
“I-I am sor-”  
Both of them laughed, “James never wakes up this early,” she said, a kind smile lighting up her features “Don’t be sorry, it’s okay for a young man like you to want to sleep till late”  
And just with the smile that Mrs Potter gave him, Sirius’s heart filled with both gratitude and affection for her, he did not know how to thank them, and it bothered him.  
“I really am so grateful for everything Mr and Mrs Potte—”  
“Oh, Sirius, I am so thankful to you for being such a good friend of our little boy, I know you’ll never leave his side, friends like you are hard to come by,” she said, with the same smile pasted to her features, as if the smile was something that could not be taken away from her, the way it reacher her eyes reminded Sirius of James.  
“Oh, you must be starving, come along, let’s go and have a nice afternoon snack”  
Sirius, in fact, was starving, so he followed her into the kitchen and settled on the dining table.  
“James once told me you loved blueberries, don’t you Sirius”  
“Yeah I—”  
“Because I made some pie, I was wondering if you’d like to try”  
Sirius was speechless, dumbfounded, “Mrs Potter you really didn’t have to—”  
“Come on, now love, try it and tell me how it is”

James woke up when the sun was almost out of sight, his eyes were swollen from sleep and he seemed more tired than ever.  
“Padfoot!” He said when he opened his eyes and threw his arms around Sirius “I can’t believe you’re here”  
“God, Prongs” Sirius said, shoving him away “How the hell do you sleep that much?”  
“I have talents I don’t like to talk about” He said and got out of bed rubbing his eyes, his hair standing oddly in all corners.  
It was almost twilight when James was finally up and awake, and was back to his usual self.

“So tell me, you said you were gonna write to Moony and Wormie, did you do it?”  
Sirius had tried to write, but he had found himself at a loss of words, he did not know what to say, how to narrate the ordeal that had taken place, and why exactly was he writing to them?  
“Oh, write you said you were gonna write to Moony!” James said a playful smirk playing across his features “To tell him how utterly lonely you are without his strong arms, eh, Sirius?”  
“I hate you so much, Prongs” Sirius said, a blush rising up to his ears, he hated when James teased him, he hated how he could not control himself, how Moony was the only person who made all of Sirius’s defences come apart at the seams.  
James doubled over laughing and then seeing the expression on his face, he stopped “You should tell him you know?”  
“It’s gonna ruin our friendship, and I don’t want to risk that, so no thank you, I am not taking advice from someone who has been miserably making a fool of himself for the same girl over and over again”  
“Lily’s different”  
“Yeah yeah”  
“Okay, I am calling them both here”  
“Both who?”  
“Wormie and Moony”  
“Moony would never come”  
“Yeah? Why not?” James asked “The moon’s at least 2 weeks away, and school starts in a week, we could all go to King’s Cross together, it’ll be the perfect week!”  
Sirius said nothing, as much as he did not want to confront Remus, the truth was that he missed him, he missed him so much he was all he could think about sometimes, it was impossible to get him off his mind, it had been a long time since Sirius had last heard from him, he had received a letter from Remus a couple days back, but he didn’t trust himself enough to write back, every time he sat down to write, he would either say too much, or too little, it confused Sirius how things were changing, how Sirius himself was changing, it had never been struggle writing to either of his best friends before, but for the past some months Sirius found himself so overcome by everything that he often was at a loss for words. Moony hated it when people did not write back, it was quite possible that he would not want to see Sirius.  
“You do what you want, Prongsie,”  
“Oh come on Sirius, get off your high horse, I know you want to see Remus, I know you’re dying to see him”  
Sirius made an exasperated sound “I do want to see him, but I don’t want him to see me, I just-” he broke off, looking for the right words “I just don’t want him to see me like this, weak and broken ”  
“Sirius,” James said, his voice suddenly very sombre, the quick transitions in James used to surprise Sirius, but not anymore, he had come to understand James more than he understood himself “You are not weak, alright? In that dark and abusive household, anyone would want to run away, anyone would break, you are the strongest person I know, and I know you, you will heal from the wounds your shit parents have given you”  
Sirius did not know what to say, so he just nodded.


	3. The Letters

_Dear Moony,_

_On the dark and stormy night, like a seagull delivering babies, the plush and beautiful child by the name of Sirius Orion Black was delivered on my very doorstep, and I couldn’t be more delighted, because the child happened to be my best friend in the entire world, but now, as one can presume, like the screams of a lonely howling dog, his desire for his other best friends have become more than a meagre stag like myself can handle, and a stag like myself, though incapable of howling would like to inform you that my heart very much longs for you, so how would you, the one who shines on a moonlit night like to spend the last week of summer break in my humble abode. I am not giving you a chance to say no, or a chance to break my staggly heart, this is a request accompanied with a howler, if you say no, the howler is going to ignite with the screeching sounds it is infamous for._

_Your Deerest,_

_James Potter._

“James, no offense, but dude I am like, 144 days older than you are” Sirius said, reading the letter over James’s shoulder. “Oh, it doesn’t matter, you’ll always be my child, Padfoot age is just a number”

“No it is not, and what the hell is a ‘lonely howling dog’??” Sirius asked, as James sealed the letter shut, and smiled at Sirius as if he had just written a piece of pure literature.

“You and your dim-witted brain would not understand my ‘staggly’ humour” James said and chuckled to himself. Sirius could not help but smile back, and hated himself immediately for laughing at James’s lame puns. “ Now, a letter for my other child, Mr Peter Pettigrew, he would not need much convincing the sweet thing that he is, I am planning a prank that requires him more than it requires me to be honest”

_Dear Wormtail, How are you my little Wormie? I hope you are well, Sirius has decided to join me on these long and lazy holiday days and we were wondering if you’d like to join? Oh of course you would, I am sure you’re barely getting by without your three best friends, so join us, as soon as you can, we’ll go to King’s Cross together, it’ll be the best week ever!_

_Yours,_

_James Potter._

James smiled to himself as he tied the letter's to his owl's feet, and gave him a treat before the owl took off.


	4. Dear Padfoot and Prongs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus writes back and he doesn't seem too happy, but he agrees to James's plan

They heard back from Peter first, as expected he was more than delighted to be invited to accompany them, it was this innocent naivety about Peter that always got Sirius, he was so innocent that it was almost impossible not to trust him and his childlike instincts, but at the same time, Peter was foolish and gullible.

Sirius had almost given up hope of ever hearing back Remus, he tried not to show it, but James understood for he became more invested in Sirius than ever, trying to get Sirius to plan pranks for when they were back at Hogwarts, and making the list of supplies they would need, and Sirius unwittingly obliged, because when Sirius was with James, he forgot about the things that weighed him down, he laughed easily and more heartily, with James he felt as if he was the one with the wind, light and carefree, at the same time, James forced Sirius to study and stick to his plans of becoming an Auror.

After an irrevocably painful period of waiting for Remus’s response, they finally received a letter from him four days after, late night on Saturday.

_ Dear Padfoot and Prongs, _

_ I don’t know how to thank you for the pleasant howler you both sent my way, now every little thing in my room is broken, because of forces I shall explain when we finally meet, and I would be lying if I said your earnest sense of humour did not make me sick to my stomach Prongs, apart from that, it was great to finally hear from you because the house was growing inescapably dark and dim, I have also run out of books to read, I was hoping I could use Mr Potter’s Library, _

_ I will be there on Monday morning, tell Sirius he ought to learn to write a letter, or no girl would like to marry him, and the beautiful face that he has shall go to waste. _

_ Yours, _

_ Remus J Lupin. _

“‘Remus is never gonna come’, well what do you think now?” James said, cocking his eyebrow at Sirius, Sirius only laughed, as happy as he was to finally have heard back from Remus “You didn’t look so smart when just some hours ago you accidentally swallowed a bunch of nosebleed nougats, huh, Prongs” Sirius retorted.

“For the hundredth time, it was  _ not  _ accidental, I did that on purpose, I just needed to see whether or not they worked properly!” James said, throwing his arms up in the air. “Now, if you excuse me, I have to work on the prank I am planning with the assistance of our dear Wormtail”

“And I am not a part of it?” Sirius asked 

“After the prudent disrespect!” James said, folding his arms in front of him “Of Course, you’re a part of it, you’re my best friend!”

“So wha—”

“As a spectator of my brilliance,” James added and left the room with a smirk playing across his features.

  
  


The weekend passed in a haze, James was usually busy with things he strictly did not want Sirius to be a part of, bored and angry as he was, he completed most of his assignments on Sunday using James’s supplies, he spent some time with Mrs Potter in her garden, he even had tea with her late in the afternoon when James was nowhere to be seen, Sirius could not put to words just how much he adored her, he had never been cared for in a parental manner before, he had never had afternoon tea and talked about himself with someone older than himself other than McGonagall, his heart swelled with gratitude over the littlest things she did for him.

He talked about Regulus and school.

“It was not your fault, you know?” she had said after he was done telling her about the events of the night he had escaped.

Sirius’s mouth had gone dry because even when he was at his happiest, the thoughts of Regulus being alone in that vicious household haunted him, he often felt as if he was going to drown in the ocean of his own hatred for leaving him behind, but there was no other way, he told himself.

Once again, Sirius did not know who to respond, so he just smiled at her.

One thing about Mrs Potter that Sirius adored above all else was the fact that she never pushed him to talk, he liked that she let him remain in his comfort zone unless he really wanted to step out.

He had then gone to James’s room and had immersed himself so deeply in his books that all that was around him was only a blur, and by the time James had shown up to sleep late in the night, Sirius was tired beyond salvation.


	5. The Marauders Reunite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus finally arrives at the Potter's and Sirius opens up to him about running away.

_ “Moony, I—” _

_ “Sirius, how could you do such a thing, why now?” The hurt and disgust in Remus’s voice made Sirius’s heart recoil, and he felt is if he was plunging down into the depths of the earth. “I thought you were better than this, Sirius, but you, you are selfish and ignorant and I don’t want to ever see your face again” _

_ His face was streaked with fresh tears, and as Sirius instinctively moved towards him “I am exactly who you think I was Re—” _

_ Remus’s face morphs into something else, he changes into the fear stained face of Regulus and he falls on to his knees, “Sirius, I- I am h-hurt” he chokes. _

_ Before Sirius can wipe his brother’s tears away his face transforms into that of his mothers stretched into an ugly wretched smile “Do you realize it now, Sirius?” she says through gritted teeth “The reality of how utterly unlovable you are?” Her laugh echoes in his dimly lit room at Grimmauld place, a soft murmur overpowering her loud screams fills Sirius’s ears “Wake up, Sirius, I am here, I am right here, I am not going anywhere, please wake up, Pads, please” _

Sirius woke up heaving for air, a pair of hazel eyes staring right back at him.

“You were calling for me, in your dream” Is the first thing Remus says “I didn’t know you had nightmares”

It takes Sirius a minute to finally accustom himself to the fact that Remus was really here, with him and was leaning over him, in James’s sunlit room.

“Mooonyyyy” He jumps up to his feet and throws his arms around the other boy “You’re finally here!”

“Yeah I am,” Remus says and chuckles, he returns Sirius’s gesture. 

Sirius is tempted to stay there, in Remus’s arms, but he has convinced himself that what he wants is beyond anything that he deserves, so he pulls away.

“How the hell do you manage to be so freaking insolent Sirius?” Remus says “You did not write back to me all summer!”

“I—” Sirius realizes that he has no excuse for not writing back to him, not one that makes sense at least “I did not know what to say” he finally concedes.

“I asked you how you were, if your mother was giving you a hard time how do you not know how to respond to that, Sirius, I was so worried” Remus says, as if it is the most normal thing in the entire world, to be worried about Sirius.

“Oh Moony, you don’t have to be worried about me!” he says and smiles at him “But look at you, you’ve gotten so thin! Have you not been eating!” He says and looks at Remus from head to toe, he seems to have grown taller and leaner over summer, there is a sharpness to his face that Sirius hadn’t seen before.

“You talk like Mrs Potter,” Remus said smiling at him.

“I’ve been spending too much time with her, because-” he turns to the sleeping form of James “James has been an utter git for a couple of days, and to be honest she is way better company”

“Hey!” James said groggily “You do realize that I am, like, right here, don’t you Sirius?”

“ I am aware” 

“Remus!” James says finally getting to his feet “I’ve missed you” he says throwing himself rather awkwardly at Remus.

“I will be back to bless you both with my company, but right now, I really have to use the washroom,” he says fiddling with his glasses and rushing towards the bathroom door.

Remus settles on James bed, and Sirius settles down beside him.

“So, um, how did you end up here, I thought your mother was not okay with you spending time with the Potters?” Remus asks.

“I actually ran away,” Sirius declares.

“You did-what?” Remus stares back at Sirius in horror.

“I ran away,” Sirius says, not meeting Remus’s eyes, his eyes fixated on a hole in James’ hardwood floor, When Remus does not say anything, his anxiety shoots through the roof, “I could not think straight, it had gotten too much, I did not know wha—”

“Shh, it’s okay Sirius, I understand,” Remus says, and takes Sirius’s hand, pressing it reassuringly, electricity shoot’s through Sirius, and he wonders if the blush rising up on his face is evident.

Sirius pulls his hand out of Remus’s and stands up abruptly.

“Uh- uh is Peter here yet?” He asks.

“No, he won’t be here until late afternoon,” Remus says, his brows furrowed as if trying to figure Sirius out, he hopes with all his heart that Remus is not able to see through him, he cannot risk losing him, this friendship, this connection is everything Sirius longs for.

“Sirius are you okay, mate?” Remus asks, uncertainty written over his face, if only he was okay, Sirius thought to himself, if only he could go back to his fifth year when he had not realized his feelings for Remus, and everything between them was easy and now Sirius was ruining everything, he again felt his gut wrench with hatred for himself.

“I-yeah” Sirius finally says “I am just extremely hungry,” he says and smiles at Remus.

“Are you sure?”

“Well, Re, no I am not alright, I really need to eat, let’s go downstairs, James’s has probably fallen asleep on the toilet, he is not used to waking up this early” 

“Al-right” Remus says and his features light up “Let’s wake him up then”

“Are you thinking what I am thinking?” Sirius cocks his brows at him.

“Well if you’re thinking that one of us mimics Evan’s voice and calls him out then, yes, I guess?” Remus says doubtfully.

“Well I had dung bombs in mind, but yours seems better”


	6. Spinning the Bottle and Breaking someone's Heart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are bored and miserable, James comes up with an idea to play truth and dare, what's truth and dare without some surprise kisses? But is Sirius ready?

Once Peter arrived, it seemed as if Remus was back at Hogwarts, the boys together, or ‘The Marauders’ as James liked to call them were the liveliest they had been all summer, they played on their brooms, threw dung bombs on the neighbours, after Padfoot picked a fight with their dog. In the ongoing chaos, Remus seemed to have forgotten the misery that he had escaped back at home, the timeless yelling and screaming of his father, his entire days shrouded in the uncertainty of what it would be that angered him today. Remus thought that he wouldn’t have to talk about it, but Sirius, as nosy as he was, noticed that there was something off about Remus. He kept bugging him about it, he could come out of nowhere when Remus was lost in thought and would ask him what was up with him, Sirius was already going through so much, Remus could see him wince out in pain every time anyone touched him and if he was not wrong, he could feel that Sirius was limping, so Remus thought, it was unfair to burden him with his problems, so he always brushed him off, which was not always easy since both of them now shared a room, on Peter’s arrival, James had very indignantly asked Sirius to stay with Remus because he and Peter were plotting a prank that didn’t require Sirius since he had insulted the initial strategies, Remus was welcome if he wanted, but Remus decided to spend his last few days peacefully without any of their chaotic pranks.

It was very late at night on Wednesday, the four boys were sprawled in the Potter’s backyard in a starry sky, fire crackling in between them, it was a warm night and Remus could feel the heat seeping through the thin material of his t-shirt as it hung loosely on his shoulders, Remus could not help but look at Sirius, he was on his back one hand folded under his head, staring at the sky as if looking for answers to all the questions in the universe, Remus let his eyes wander, he noticed how the muscles of his hands flexed, he could see how Sirius’s white shirt was pulled up slightly, he could see the smooth skin of Sirius’s waist—

“Ahem—” he heard James, he looked over at him and James was now staring at him smirking seamlessly.

Remus quirked his eyebrows up at him, already feeling a blush creep up his ears.

“Guys” James yelled suddenly, Sirius jerked up as if woken up from a deep sleep “I am so bored”

“Oh sod off James, you’ve kept Padfoot running all day, I am tired as heck,” Sirius said, now sitting up.

“What are you, 80?” James retorted and Peter laughed.

“Okay, Prongs what do you wanna do?” Remus asked.

“We’re all going to bed,” Sirius yawned and got to his feet.

“Sirius, if you don’t sit down, I swear to God I am gonna burn all you leather Jackets down,” James said, and Sirius made a guttural sound and sat down on the grass with a thump.

“Alright, Prongsie what do you wanna do?” He asked.

Remus could not help but smile at Sirius, as he sat his feet to his chest and his head hanging low, some of his hair had fallen over his eyes, it took Remus all his control not to reach out and tuck them behind his ear.

“So, there’s this game I played with some of my Hufflepuff friends once,” He starts 

“Wait a freaking second, you played a game with the Hufflepuff’s and  _ we  _ weren’t invited?” Sirius interjects “Peter has a crush on a Hufflepuff!”

“Yes, I am aware, and that’s what I was trying to fix, but that’s not  _ important  _ right now, Pads,” James says, rolling his eyes at Sirius “Alright, so, it’s called truth or dare, but since we’re all a bunch of very brave Gryffindors, we’re gonna do only  _ dares,  _ what we have to do is, we will spin the bottle and whoever it lands on has to do something that the person on the other end of the bottle dares him to do, simple enough for ya gentlemen”

“Okay,” Sirius says, chewing on his lip, “I’ll go and get a bottle” 

“No, no no, I don’t trust you guys to get a bottle, I’ll go and get one,” Remus says and is on his feet before the three of them can object.

The four boys settle in a circle, the fire forgotten behind them, James sits across from Sirius and on either side of him are Remus and Peter. Sirius can already tell that James is up to something, they are all drinking from their own bottle of fire whisky.

The first time they spin the bottle, it lands on Peter, and the other end on Sirius, Sirius can tell that he is both excited and nervous.

Sirius doesn’t want Peter to do anything extreme, he feels for the kid sometimes, Sirius changes his voice into Snivellus and asks him to do an impression, he does a terrible job, but that’s a part of the act.

The boys all fall over their back laughing.

The bottle then lands on James, Remus makes him drink firewhisky through his nose, and to no one’s surprise, he does it.

The boys do a few more rounds of such nonsense, and the game starts to lose its light.

“Okay, last turn” Remus announces, and the bottle spins and lands on Remus, the other end lands on James, Sirius and Peter laugh seamlessly, thinking James is surely going to take revenge on Remus for making Prongs stand on his hind feet.

But James is lost in thought, he is thinking, hatching up an idea.

“Well, hurry up, Prongs, some of us need to sleep” Sirius throws the cork of a firewhiskey bottle at him.

“Ow” James welts “Pads, that hurt”

“Oh sorry, Princess, do you want me to kiss it better?” Sirius mocks him.

“ _ Kiss!”  _ James throws his hands up in the air. “I got the perfect dare to end the night with, Remus, you gotta kiss...Sirius like you mean it!”

Sirius should have known, he should have known James would do this, why did Sirius ever agree to this “No Remus doesn’t have to do a dare like that,” Sirius retorts at James, “Why would you make us do that,”

“I can’t take it back! We’re all bound by magic, Re, I am sorry but you have to do it now, it was a mistake but none of us can leave until you kiss him”

“Bu—” Sirius interrupts 

“Sirius, it’s just a kiss,” Remus says, his mind elsewhere.

“Well, I guess, it’s...just a kiss then let’s get it over with”

Remus got to his feet and walked over to Sirius, he got on his knees in front of Sirius, blocking James’s and Peter’s view, and very slowly whispered: “Please don’t bite me for this” before leaning in kissing Sirius, something dropped in Sirius’s stomach and he let out a low whimper before kissing him back, Sirius could tell Remus had done this before, he could tell and— oomph, he moved his chin, Sirius’s mind had gone blank, he could not think, all he could think about was Remus, and oh Remus was kissing him, kissing him like he wanted to, but— it’s a dare.

Sirius pulled away.

“Good enough for you James?” it came out meaner than he had expected, “Have you now mocked my feeling’s enough?”

The grin fell off James’s face, he looked like Sirius had just kicked him, “Pads, I didn’t—” James opened his mouth to say something, but Sirius sneered at him and he shut his mouth again.

He looked at Remus then, and he shouldn't have, oh shouldn’t have, there are a thousand different emotions on Remus’s face, why did he go so far, Sirius thought, he could have just brushed their lips and it would be over, but he  _ pushed  _ Sirius too far.

“Pads, I am sorry,” James said.

Sirius got to his feet, shook his head and smiled at his friends, “It’s alright Jamesie, you have nothing to be sorry for” and walked upstairs to his room.


	7. if I can't have you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius come to terms with their feelings.

Remus had no idea what had taken over him, he was drunk, but that was no excuse, no excuse for what he had done, he still couldn’t believe that he had let his control falter.

“ _ Have you now mocked my feelings enough?”  _ Sirius had said, his voice echoed in Remus’s ears.

Neither James nor Peter had said anything after Sirius left, Peter looked out of place, but James, Remus had never seen him like this, he had his head dipped low, staring at the ground as he walked past and left for his room, his shoulders hunched forward; Guilt.

Remus did not know how he felt, he did know, that he looked at Sirius differently, but he couldn’t figure it all out, he had to restrain himself, so much it hurt, but what had Sirius meant?

By the time Remus is back to their room, Sirius is already asleep, he is curled up like a ball, his hands in front of his face, he looks so peaceful, even in the darkness.

There are two beds in the room, one either end, without another thought, Remus moves to his side of the room and flops onto his bed, and falls asleep staring at Sirius across the darkroom.

  
  
  


Sirius wakes up a few hours later, it is the crack of dawn, he is covered in sweat, he dreamt about Regulus drowning in a pool of blood last night, while Sirius could do nothing but watch, he yelled, but no voice left his throat. Sirius wished there was some way he could make the nightmares stop, someway he could be whole again, but as it was, there was none, he had left a part of him back at Grimmauld, a part he could never retrieve.

He gets dressed and walks out of the room, he can tell by the smell of tea and warm biscuits that Mr and Mrs Potter are already up, the moment he steps out he sees James sitting by their door. His back against a wall and fast asleep.

“James?” Sirius says and kneels down beside him, his specs are askew and his hair is messier than usual, “Prongs mate” he stirs and looks at Sirius.

“Pads, I am so sorry, I, I don’t know how to apologize to you, I went too far,” He says “ I am so sorry”

James  _ never  _ apologizes, that makes Sirius smile.

“Hey, Prongs, it’s alright okay?” Sirius says “It’s okay, we were all a little drunk, it was just a game”

“No, I really shouldn’t have,” He says, and looks down on his feet.

“You were looking out for me, in your own stupid James way,” Sirius says and laughs, “I can’t blame you for not using your brain, I  _ rarely  _ ever use my own brain”

“So you forgive me?” 

“Yeah, of course, Prongs, you’re my best friend” 

He smiles broadly.

“For Merlin’s sake go back to your room, you look like shit” Sirius says, and James punches him his shoulder, it hurts more because he already has some untreated wounds, but he doesn’t show it, “no really, more than usual”

James laughs again, but goes back to his room, probably to sleep.

Sirius has tea with Mr and Mrs Potter, and they discuss normal things like school and Sirius’s future plans, Euphemia is obsessed with Sirius’s hair, and tries to braid it behind his head, but it’s not long enough to be put in a braid so she ties it in a bun.

Sirius couldn’t help but think what it would be like to be born in a normal family, a one where he wasn’t constantly trying to hide his shaking hands, where his hand didn’t shake with fear in the first place, to wake up every morning and have tea with parents who want nothing but the best for you, Sirius wonders and wishes that Regulus was here with him, to see that not all families are like their own, not all kids live in fear, not all kids go to bed with bruises on their body and tears in their eyes.

The day passes like every other day, but Sirius cannot bear to look at Remus in the eyes, he cannot, or he would fall apart. 

  
  


Sirius won’t look at me, Remus thought as the four of them made their way back to the Potter’s mansion covered in mud from their recent endeavour. The sun was almost down, and the air around them was humid, Remus turned his head to look at Sirius, somehow even after being splashed by mud and grime he managed to look pristine, but he won't look at him.

Remus turned away.

James cleaned their clothes and got rid of the mud with his wand before he let them in, “My mum’s obsessed with her new rug, she won’t say anything if we ruined it, but I don’t want to upset her”

Remus could not help but look at the way Sirius smiled at James when he said this like he was proud of him.

They ate dinner, and it was as chaotic as it could get, Mr Potter and James couldn’t be more alike, they talked about Quidditch, and made fun of some players, both of them kept everyone involved in the conversation, Remus wished he had the same.

But all Remus had back home were tornadoes, tornadoes followed by silence.

No one talked on the dinner table, in fact, Remus usually ate alone.

We all act like nothing happened last night, Sirius and James must have talked through it, they always do, they are inseparable. They act as nothing happened but they all agree to go to bed early today, no late-night conversations from now on.

When Remus goes to his room, Sirius isn’t there, he wonders where he is, but doesn’t go looking for him.

Remus tries to fall asleep but sleep just doesn’t come, he lays there, waiting for Sirius to come in, when he doesn’t Remus decides to take a shower.

When he walks out, fully clothed, Sirius is there.

He pretends as if Remus doesn’t exist, and it breaks Remus’s heart.

“Sirius,” He says “Please talk to me, I am sorry”

He doesn’t look at him, but he stops whatever he is doing, he stops dead.

“Please, I don’t know what to say to you, I didn’t mean to take it that far”

“Of Course you didn’t,” Sirius says, his back turned to Remus.

“Sirius, please look at me, I can’t lose you, I can’t—”

He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t move.

“How will we fix this if you don’t look at me?” Remus asks, his voice barely a whisper now, Sirius turns, his eyes are red, and his lips are pursed so tightly that they’ve turned white.

“That is the problem, Remus, I can’t look at you,” Sirius said his voice shaking “I can’t look at you,”

“Why not?” Remus asked, his voice strained with hurt.

“Don’t you get it?” Sirius asked, he was suddenly very close to Remus, and he could feel his heart beating in his chest, “Moony, I am in love with you” Sirius said, tears falling seamlessly down his cheeks, “God, I am so in love with you that I sometimes feel as if I am going to explode”

Remus felt as if someone had cast a paralyzing jinx on his body, he could not move, his eyes stayed fixated on Sirius, who was looking at him, so intently his eyes filled with tears, this is going to be the end of me, Remus thought to himself.

“It’s-It’s okay, Re, you don’t have to say it back, I understand,” He said and moved away from him, as far as he could get, he pulled his truck out from under the bed and started shoving his clothes in..

“Sirius-I—”

“Remus, see I have got to go, I think I’ll be sleeping in James room today, and for the rest of the days,”

He picked up his trunk and moved towards the door, and that is when Remus’s body finally allowed him to move and he found himself standing in between the door and Sirius.

“Remus, ple—”

“Sirius, please listen to me,” Remus said, his voice barely a whisper “We can fix this, you don’t have to go, please”

“Remus, love, there is nothing to fix, all of me is gone,”

That was it, that was the breaking blow, Remus thought, he had lost the one person more important to him than anyone else, he had lost Sirius.

He let him walk away, with tears in his eyes, and he could not even budge.

A few minutes passed and Sirius walked back in.

“James is already asleep, I don’t want to wake him up” He announces “I don't’ want to trouble Mrs Potter more than I already have, I’ll go in the morning”

“Sirius, you, you don’t have to go, please”

“But, I do, Remus, I don’t know how long before I break and do something I am not supposed to”

“Sirius, I love you” Remus finally admits “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and I  _ want you,  _ with me always”

Before he can stop himself, he has walked over to Sirius, whose eyes are filled with tears again, and Remus hates himself for what he is about to say, he cannot help but take Sirius’s face in his hand, feel his warm tears on his fingers.

“I  _ want  _ you, but I can’t have you,” He breaths.

“You can have me, I don’t want to be anybody else’s Moons”

Remus shakes his head “My father would kill me,” he says, tears falling down his cheeks.

“I am already a disappointment to him, and to myself, I can’t, I am so sorry but I can’t, when you both sent me the howler, I didn’t want to come, because I had assignments I needed to do, and the howler went off, it was so loud, he, my father, was sleeping, he woke up and beat the shit out me, he broke every single thing in my room, he  _ almost  _ hit my mother, and I cannot make him hate me any more than he already does.

Sirius puts his arms around Remus, “It’s okay, love, It’s okay,” he doesn’t push, he just lets Remus rest his head on his shoulder and cry, cry rivers because he is so close to what he wants but he can’t have it, he can’t have it, because his life is a cosmic joke.

At some point they pull away, and fall into their own beds, but Remus can’t fall asleep, he can’t he just looks at Sirius, as his eyes flutter close, he calls out for Regulus in his dreams, he shakes unbearably, he calls out for Remus too, and it breaks Remus’s heart.


	8. "You're the only Light I Need"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius, star crossed lovers, find their way to each other, it is impossible to fight their desire.

Neither Remus nor Sirius speak at the breakfast table next morning, both of them look unshakably worn, Euphemia tries to get them to eat something, James keeps turning around to look at Sirius’s plate and his untouched food, his eyes then travel to Remus who if not more, looks equally worn.

The boys are growing up so fast, Euphemia thinks to herself, and the world is already breaking them down, she wished she could steal these boys and hide them away, protect them from the world and their own selves, but it was impossible, safety is an illusion, she cannot protect them, not if she wants them to grow.

  
  


James had never seen Sirius like this, he had been hurt before, but he always, always talked, and he always smiled through everything, but today, James saw he was trying to hide away, his head hanging low, it worried him.

It was well past noon when James found him lying in the scorching heat of the backyard.

“Oi, Pads” James yelled and flopped down on the grass beside him.

Sirius turned his head and smiled at him.

“No, no, don’t give me that, you have to tell me what happened”

“What happened when?”

“You and Moony both look as if the world has run out of food to eat and air to breathe, something obviously happened last night”

“He told me he loved me,” Sirius said. “He told me he loved me, Prongs”

“But that’s good, isn’t it?

He didn’t say anything.

“Pads, what is up?”

“He told me he can’t do this,”

“But he loves you”

“That’s not always enough, is it?”

  
  


Sirius decided to go to bed early, he said he was tired and left, Remus had seen him wince out in pain as he stood up and made his way back to their room.

As soon as he left, not a word of what Mr Potter was saying could be grasped by Remus anymore, last night kept replaying in his mind, the tears and Sirius’s choked voice, it was too much to bear, he had lost him.

He stood up, made his excuses and followed Sirius into the room.

Sirius sat in his bed, shirtless, trying to apply something on his back and wincing out in pain.

He stopped and turned his back away from Remus as soon as he walked in.

“Re-”

“Sirius, what happened to your back, it’s-it’s covered in bruises”

“My mother gave them to me, every time I was not a good son” he says and laughs humorlessly 

Remus fell silent, he had known Walburga hit Sirius, but this brutally? 

“Give me that,” Remus said walking over to him, “Let me help you”

“No, Moons, I am fine, I-I got this” 

“Pads, please”

“Remus, please don’t make this harder than it already is, I will lose myself, please” Remus flinched at his voice, Sirius was pleading. 

“Pads, I don’t want to lose you, but I feel like I already have”

He doesn’t say anything.

“I am sorry,” Remus whispers.

“You haven’t lost me, Remus, you can’t lose me, my heart belongs to you, but I need time, I need time to regain my control, looking at you, and to feel you this close, is torture, I want you, Re, and I am not strong enough, I can’t hold back,”

“Then don’t”

“Wha—oomph” 

  
  


Remus was kissing Sirius, holding on to him like he was the last drop of water in a desert, kissing him as if he needed Sirius to keep breathing.

Sirius lost himself into him, in the way he moved, the way his hands were entangled in his hair, and the feel of Remus’s mouth on his own.

Sirius was delirious, his mind was filled with Remus’s smell, the feel of his hands on his body, but through that, he pulled away.

“Re, what about your father?” 

“I don’t care, I don’t care, you’re the only person I care about, Pads, the only one who made me feel loved when I hated myself, you’re the only light I need,”

Sirius leaned in and kissed him back, Remus smoothed his hands down Sirius’s bareback, whispering incantations, healing his wounds, and in turn, Sirius left kisses down Remus’s jaw making him moan out his name.

“I love you so much, Sirius Black, so much I feel like my heart is on fire”

  
  


Sirius lay with his back against Remus’s chest, Remus holding him as close to him as he could, both their legs entangled, Remus’s face buried in the nook of Sirius’s neck, tracing slow, lazy circles on his hands.

“Pads?”

“Yes, love?”

“Tell me about your nightmares,”

He fell silent.

“I’ve seen you shake seamlessly in your nightmares”

“I-um-dream about Regulus, I hate myself for leaving him there, alone, I dream about him calling for me, needing my help while I am paralyzed and unable to help him, then it’s my mother, or about you leaving me—”

Remus kissed Sirius’s neck “I’ll never leave you, Pads,” he says “You can’t blame yourself for what your parents do, it’s not your fault, you chose your path and when the time comes Regulus will have to choose his, I wish there was some way I could erase the pain, I could ease everything, for you, Pads, I wish I could make a world just for the two of us, where there is no pain” Sirius turned to face Remus.

“I have it all, right here,” He says, burying himself in Remus’s chest, “I have it all, love” Remus could feel Sirius’s tears seeping through his shirt.

He looked at him then, and leaned in and kissed him, hoping that this kiss would say all that words could not, he tasted his tears, he felt the agony of Sirius’s tears, and knew that i f this boy cried ever again, Remus was going to burn the world down, he knew that if he could help it, he would not let any pain ever come Sirius’s way, he would always protect him, not that Sirius needed his protection, but Remus would always be right by him, there was no place else for him, only here, with Sirius.

  
  


Remus pulled me closer into his chest, and I fell asleep surrounded by his smell, there were no nightmares that night, Remus fought them off.


End file.
